moreincommon | 013 ☺ Voice ☺ I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

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013 ☺ Voice ☺ I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

Um, look.

Not really being much of a fighter or a genius on the fly, I'm not sure how much I can help in this upcoming port. What I can do is ask the Admiral for supplies of basic survival gear to pass out to anyone interested. I'm talking backpacks, waterbottles, compasses, tents, freeze-dried food, rain ponchos, flashlights, emergency blankets, that kind of thing. I'm going to try to start putting together packages for any teams that might go out, and if you want one, please let me know.

[Private to Satsuki]
How have you been feeling lately? I wanted to talk to you about your friends again.

[Private to Junko]
It has been a long time since I heard from you. What's going on in your life? Are you still despairing?

[Private to Anya]
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. You wanted to talk?

[Private to Megamind]
...Is there any chance you're free for some video games tonight?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm in 6-18.

Fine. I'm on my way.

[And only now realizing he's never actually BEEN to Mark's room before. There was never a need or a desire!]

[Mark's room is actually Mark's apartment, complete with kitchen, living area, bathroom, and two bedrooms, one of which is in a horrible state of deterioration and the other of which has a bloodstained wall faintly reading "SEE YOU IN HELL". Despite the bad paint job it's actually a fairly cozy, if a bit threadbare, space. By the time Chris arrives, the door's unlocked and he's setting out the cookie jar on the table.]

Come on in! Do you like chocolate chip?

Edited (wtf icon) 2013-05-14 04:34 (UTC)

[What the hell, Mark.

Chris gives a disturbed look to the words written on the wall, and slowly enters the room after opening the door. He looks quick over his shoulder to make sure no one's seen him, before closing the door behind him]

No.

I mean yes. I'm not hungry.

All right. Do you want anything to drink, or would you rather just take a seat and talk?

I'm fine. I just need you to fix me and I need to swear on your life you won't tell anyone I was here.

All right?

I promise on my life I'll do everything I can to help you and I won't tell anyone you were here if you don't want me to. Not even [he was about to say "your parents"] your warden, if that's what you want.

[He solemnly holds out a hand to shake.]

...Good.

[And it speaks to how serious Chris feels about this situation that he shakes Mark's hand without smirking or saying something nasty]

I mean, let's not fucking kid ourselves, my warden'll find out whatever the hell he wants to find out, but I'm not asking for anything illegal so he can just fuck right off.

[It's progress, in a way. At least being in the same room no longer seems like such an effort.]

If he finds out, it won't be from me. What's on your mind?

[What's on his mind, indeed. Chris falls silent, struggling internally to come up with the best way to present his problem]

There is something...seriously wrong with me. With my head. And it's screwing up how I think, and how I act around people, and I can't..fucking stop thinking it.

...No, I mean. That's not what I wanted to say, it's something...bigger than what I'm making it seem. I don't fucking know..

Tell me more. When did you first start to feel this way? Did anything happen to set it off?

Nothing set it off. I mean..fuck, I guess it was gradual? Maybe? It started happening around my deathtoll back a few months ago.

Do you ever get the feeling that you know something's hugely wrong with you and you want to fix it but at the same time you're scared about how great you feel when it happens?

Does that make..any fucking sense at all?

What you're describing sounds like a compulsion to do something you know you shouldn't because the emotional reward seems to outweigh the risks. Does that sound like what you're going through?

[Encouraged, Chris starts nodding forcefully]

Yeah. No, yeah, that's it exactly. You nailed it.

What do I do?

It depends on the specific situation. Sometimes it's a matter of training yourself to control the urge, sometimes you can find that same emotional reward for a different behavior, sometimes it passes if you talk your way through. What is it you want to do?

No, I've tried controlling it. I can get a handle on it but some days it's worse and some days it's better and there's not usually a way to tell how bad things are going to be until I'm hit with it.

[Another quick glance at the door to make sure it's shut. Chris crosses his arms, staring fixedly at a point around Mark's kneecap, flushed]

I need you to.

[Deep breath. Try again]

I need you to help turn me straight.

Ah.

[Mark settles back for a minute, pondering this. Of course turning someone straight is impossible (unless you were going to resort to magic), but giving Chris a chance to get this out could only be beneficial.] When you say some days it's worse and some days it's better, what do you mean? Are there times that you just feel more attracted to men?

[Chris at that moment looks like he wants to disappear into the floor from shame. He hugs his elbows and won't look up, looking stunned that somewhere he'd found the courage to finally admit what he was.

True, it was to Mark Lilly, who seemed to be less like a person and more like a motivational poster with legs, but at least it was to someone]

No. Yes. No, I mean.

Fuck.

No, it's just some days it's always on my mind and some days I don't think about it at all.

Hey. [He smiles reassuringly, reaching out to pat Chris's arm.] You just said something that was very difficult to say to someone you don't know very well. That took a lot of courage. I'm proud of you.

Those days when it's on your mind, what are you worried might happen if you acted on your feelings?

[The patting seems to only make Chris withdraw tighter into himself, as his eyes get a little wide from the frustration and hatred he's feeling at himself]

Immediately? That I'm going to lose my best friend because I'm a fucking freak of nature.

Is that who these feelings are centered on?

[Chris gives a stiff nod, teeth clenched hard]

Is that the outlook he has? That homosexuality is unnatural?

[Chris finally looks up at Mark, tense and angry]

It is. It's fucked up.

He doesn't know. He's normal, he doesn't..feel like that.

Can you fix me or not?

I can definitely help you. Believe me, this is not as big a problem as it feels right now.