moreincommon | 013 ☺ Voice ☺ I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

Entry tags:

013 ☺ Voice ☺ I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

Um, look.

Not really being much of a fighter or a genius on the fly, I'm not sure how much I can help in this upcoming port. What I can do is ask the Admiral for supplies of basic survival gear to pass out to anyone interested. I'm talking backpacks, waterbottles, compasses, tents, freeze-dried food, rain ponchos, flashlights, emergency blankets, that kind of thing. I'm going to try to start putting together packages for any teams that might go out, and if you want one, please let me know.

[Private to Satsuki]
How have you been feeling lately? I wanted to talk to you about your friends again.

[Private to Junko]
It has been a long time since I heard from you. What's going on in your life? Are you still despairing?

[Private to Anya]
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. You wanted to talk?

[Private to Megamind]
...Is there any chance you're free for some video games tonight?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I guess. I guess, yeah. Them, and...fuck, a lot of other people, too. I have a lot of people I like here, y'know?

How do these other people act toward the LGBTQ people on board?

I don't know any other gay guys on this ship.

I mean. Fuck, I guess I know...Narvin and Kay, but...peripherally. I don't sit down and eat with them or anything.

There are several, I'm sure. How do the people you like act toward Narvin and Kay?

Megamind and Iris don't give a shit. But Megamind's a blue alien freak all his own and Iris is all 60's free love all the time.

I don't know how anyone else thinks.

None of us do. Well, very few of us.

You have to keep in mind that almost everyone here comes from a different culture and has different ideas about what's acceptable behavior and what isn't. What's important right now is how you feel about this, not them.

Okay, then.

I feel like a freak and I hate myself.

Off to a great start, Mark.

Do you hate yourself because you feel like a freak?

Yes.

And..because I don't hate myself as much as I....think I should.

Fuck, that made more sense in my head, I swear.

So you feel guilty for feeling this way, and guilty for not feeling worse about it. That's a really tough spot to be in.

Tell me about it. I've been fucking feeling this shit for weeks.

Have you talked to anyone else about it?

Nobody knows except you.

Who have you wanted to tell?

Nobody. Nobody at all. I want to take this shit to my grave.

....I guess I did that already, but I mean. Permanently.

Let me rephrase that. If you didn't have to worry about being judged, who would you want to talk this over with? Your best friend? Megamind or Iris? Someone else on board? Or still no one at all?

No one has to judge me. I know it's fucked up. I don't want to talk about it because I feel like shit exposing that out there. Forget public shaming, I'm messed up about it enough already.

God damn it, I feel sick just thinking about the idea of other people knowing.

No one's going to find out unless you tell them, Chris. You're the one who decides who can know and who can't.

Tell me a little more about what you feel is wrong –– what parts of your life and your thinking these feelings are making worse for you?

Edited 2013-05-15 04:33 (UTC)

[He grimaces, shrinking back in his seat] Sometimes I just get the idea where they look at me and they just know, y'know? Like it's written on my forehead in big black letters and they're laughing because they know and I don't know they know. Assholes..

..I don't know. It's just wrong. It's always been wrong for me. There are certain things you do when you're a guy and one of those things is not fucking around with other guys.

The fear of transparency is very, very common for people in this situation, and a lot of the time it's unfounded. Who do you feel is looking at you this way? Is it specific people or kind of a threatening, abstract "other"?

Well, different cultures have different ideas as to what behavior is acceptable. Can you tell me a little more about your background and/or beliefs?

Well, a lot of the time we didn't have psychics and supergeniuses. My next door neighbor probably knows thanks to a goddamn flood.

We believe in God where I come from. I'm, um. My family is Catholic, we went to church and shit. You know, the usual.

Who is this next-door neighbor?

And are you a pretty religious person, on a day to day basis? Assuming you pray or study scripture, something like that. A solid connection to your spirituality.

Megamind.

I mean. I pray and shit, if I need guidance or I don't know what to do. I was praying to keep Cassel and everyone safe for this goddamn port coming up.

I'm sure he has no idea. And even if he did, he wouldn't treat you any differently. He doesn't have any issues with gay or lesbian people.

Well, can you do something for me, later tonight or tomorrow? Will you go to the chapel on board and pray, and ask God if He's mad at you? Actually –– here. [He fishes a ballpoint pen and small hardback notebook out of an end table drawer, checks to see that it's blank, and offers it to Chris] Here. Take this, and write down what you think and feel and experience while you do it.

...Chris, I want to make sure you get through this port all right. Can I give you or your warden one of the emergency packages I'm making?

He might. This Barge lets you fuck with people's heads, all of a sudden what you know now isn't what you know then.

[He reaches out to take the notebook, looking it over and uneasy at the idea of leaving behind evidence to be used against him. So far he's only dared to speak his thoughts out loud to Mark; writing them down feels more permanent]

My warden reads my notebooks.

What emergency package?

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

Private

derp my grammar in that last comment

noo worries!

private

private

private

private